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But once we secure the relationship, romance tends to wither as we become less present to each other. We think we know in advance how our partners will act or respond; we finish their thoughts for them (mentally and sometimes verbally) even before they conclude their sentences. As a result, sexual intimacy loses vitality and passion with the repetitive formatting and predictability of the encounter. If a couple knows that their lovemaking will take place on Saturday night at ten o’clock, perhaps after dinner and a glass of wine, and the intimate interaction always occurs as predicted, then it’s not surprising that they begin to lose passion. (And if the encounter doesn’t occur as expected, that can lead to problems too.) They can either resign themselves to a life of decreasing intimacy or begin a potentially damaging search for passion elsewhere. Seeking certainty with regard to honesty, fidelity, who’s preparing dinner, and what time to pick up the kids from playdates makes life run smoothly, but subjecting matters of the heart and soul to the template of mechanistic certainty can lead to boredom and frustration.

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